Thai Dowry or Bride Price
September 27, 2007
Thai culture expects men to pay a dowry (sin sot in Thai) or bride price prior to the marriage as a symbol of love, respect, appreciation and gratitude to the wife’s parents for raising and caring for her. It is a long standing tradition and is widely accepted in Thailand.
It seems that it developed from the fact that Thailand has no social benefits and children take care of their parents. Traditionally, sons will pay for the upkeep of the parents and the girls will do work for them (house and farm). So, when a daughter leaves her parents they are “compensated” with the dowry since the daughter will now “work” for her husband.
It is also a sign of readiness to support the future wife. In the West we are taught that love is separate from money, but in other cultures money may represent a symbol of love. I know that this is very different from the way that we think of money and love in the West. Part of this connection is due to the way that Thai people value generosity. Generosity is highly valued and it is often hard for Thai people to understand if someone does not want to show generosity.
Of course today many Thai parents are more modern thinking and the dowry is often more important as a visible sign to the community of how successful the new son-in-law is. The concept of “face” comes into play here. I can’t say that I understand this concept completely and will have to say that it is fundamentally about the perception other people have about us and ones importance relative to others.
It is acceptable to “negotiate” the dowry as well. Usually this will be done by a close friend or family member of the groom, however in the case of a foreigner marrying a Thai girl it would be done by the future bride. The amount of the dowry can vary widely and is usually dependent on how successful (and rich) the groom is (or perceived to be). Keep in mind too that many times the parents will return the dowry to the couple immediately after the wedding as a gift.
In my case, my in-laws gave back the gold in the dowry as a gift as well as much of the cash. They kept the money that was received from our guests as gifts to pay for the wedding ceremony. I thought this was extremely fair and generous, especially since it wasn’t expected. Of course each situation is different and while it is definitely more common these days for the return of the dowry as a gift it still isn’t an automatic.
I think the bottom line is if you love your Thai girlfriend then I wouldn’t worry too much about the dowry. If it is something you can afford then it is really no big deal. I mean really, how can you compare money to love? Money you can make more of it anytime, right? But for love…it is so elusive and difficult to find and keep. Ask yourself…can I live without this woman…then ask the same question about the dowry. I think that will put things into perspective.
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great analysis, same this happens in Uganda. we guys pay the pride brice, and it has evolved in the same manner as mentioned here. Its more of face value. Though i haven’t heard of “give backs” or gifts. and the negotiation in our case is a ceremony or introduction as well, since all the close relatives attend.
‘THAI DOWRYor BRIDE PRICE’
i am retired, living on a small pension (which is quite a reasonable monthly income in Thailand) currently living with ‘my wife to be’ in a small house (owned by my lady friend) right next door to the ‘family’ home. I also have a small nest egg, which i would like to keep as a safety valve. My thai lady will be able to retire from her employment soon and we have spoken about marrying.( We have known each other only 1 year), she keeps bringing up the subject of a dowry ‘payment’ to her elderly 88 yrs age, parents. My response to her so far, is as she is no longer in the bloom of youth, both of us long past giving the gift of life to a child, and that as I no longer am gainfully employed and that any cash spent cannot be replaced from income, that my/our need is greater than her parents, who are so retiredand not in best health, that all they are capable of is eating , drinking and sleeping and as they will likely die very soon any dowry i may pay will almost immediately be split up among her family of brothers and sisters, who are all youngish and gainfully employed and well able to replenish their own coffers from income. So i believe the finest gift I can give her parents ,is for them to see their long un married daughter happily married to the man she loves, both of us looking forward to a long unlonely retired life together, hoping not to have to start scrounging off other people at this time in our lives.
I am quite adamant that I will not donate some of my meagre savings to her extended family by way of parental bequests. i would add, they are all lovely family members, open and friendly towards me. and me to them.
I would like to have advice and comments from readers, as I do not want my wife to be, to lose any family face, I hope I sound sensible and not stingey.
mick
Hey Mick,
From a Western perspective you sound very sensible, but from a Thai perspective I think you do indeed sound stingy. There is no doubt that if you marry this Thai lady without a dowry (I assume she has never been married before) much face will be lost all around, it’s just the way it is in rural Thailand.
Here’s a possible way around your dilemma.
The dowry is usually split between cash and gold. So, you can be assured of getting half the dowry back immediately by simply reselling the gold after the wedding. Depending on what happens to the price of gold you may lose a small bit (or could gain), but that half is then a wash for the most part.
Now, for the cash bit. Can you request that the parents give the cash back to you after the wedding? This is becoming more common in Thailand, especially in the larger cities as the standard of living increases. Or, if you are the one paying for the wedding you could request that the parents pay for part of the wedding…and they pay from the dowry cash.
One other thing you should keep in mind is that at Thai weddings the guests give cash as gifts almost exclusively, so there is a very good chance that whatever dowry you give will be replaced by the gifts. I know that this was the case when I got married.
I would suggest that you make at least some gesture to provide a dowry if you are concerned about loss of face. It’s a big deal in Thailand and even a small amount is better than nothing.
i have read your story with interest, like you i currently have a thai girl freind, and i would like to take her as my wife at some point in the future, i hear so many different stories of what can or might happen, and i feel lost and confused by it all, i am 56 she is 34 ( with 2 boys ) that i adore one 10 and one 11, they treat me like a dad, i guess because they have never known their real dad, he left when they were just babies, my girl freinds parents are wonderfull, and they have always greeted me with welcome and affection, i am actualy only 3 years younger than her dad and i am 4 years older than her mother, i guess i will have to take the plunge so to speak, and hope everything works out for me as seems to have done for you. i look forward to receiving any advice you may care to send.