One common theme in many of the emails I get is whether or not the author of the email can trust their Thai girlfriend. Often they are back in their own home country and the girl is in Thailand and they are understandably frustrated and concerned by the lack of physical proximity and the sporadic communication. The fact that they really have no idea what is happening on a day to day basis in their girlfriends life can make them suspicious and jealous, sometimes with reason, but many times as a function of their lack of details and insight into the girls lives.

As many guys can tell you I respond to all these emails as best I can and have even chatted on IM and through Skype with some of the guys who write to me with their concerns about trusting their Thai girlfriends. In some cases the suspicion is well founded and in others it often seems to be a case of misguided jealousy. The thing is, in every case I only get the guys side of the story which is colored by their own perception. I never have the chance to talk with the Thai girl to see if my instincts tell me she’s what would be considered a good Thai girl or not.

While many stories you find on the internet may tell you differently, I don’t think that Thai girls in general are untrustworthy. On the contrary, I feel that for the most part Thai girls can not only be trusted, but are often more devoted and trustworthy than the majority of western women. Look around at how many promiscuous and cheating girls you find in the West and you’ll know what I mean. Another good indication is the heinously high divorce rate in most Western countries. Contrast that with the sub 10% divorce rate in Thailand.

While this is certainly not set in stone I think the following considerations will tell you how trustworthy (in general) your Thai girlfriend is. And just for the record I think many of the negative traits would apply to western girls as well.

General traits of untrustworthy girls:

• She works in a bar, coyote place or massage parlor.
• She is often out late at night.
• She doesn’t accept phone calls from you and doesn’t return calls, IM’s or emails.
• She asks you for financial help before you’ve actually met or lies about why she needs the money.
• Most of her friends work in bars and massage parlors.

Bear in mind that the above are quite generalized. Meeting just one of the criteria may not be an automatic “No”, but if she meets several I think the warning signs have been posted for you. Considering the number of trustworthy, loving, beautiful and loyal Thai girls out there I see no reason to take unnecessary chances or risks. More important than all the above traits is to ask yourself what do your instincts tell you. This is perhaps the most important because no matter what girl you’re with, if you can’t feel comfortable it will never work. And in many cases the warning signs are there, but are just being ignored by the guys. I can’t stress this enough…always trust your gut.

In some cases I hear from guys who have already been burned and are curious how they can meet good Thai girls. While you might think that meeting and dating Thai girls is a real minefield, I don’t think it’s any more difficult than meeting and dating anywhere else. Putting the language barrier aside it’s actually quite similar to dating in your own country, assuming that in your own country you’re willing to meet and date girls with substantially different backgrounds from yours. The Thai culture and thought process can be quite different than what you are used to, but to be honest I’ve met girls here in the U.S. whose background, thoughts and behaviors seemed totally alien to me. So while the culture question may be difficult I don’t believe it is as difficult as some people make it. Adaptability and a willingness to learn and accept on your part can go a very long way in understanding why your Thai girl behaves the way she does.

Bear in mind that the girls in Bangkok and other tourist areas may already possess quite a bit of knowledge about your culture from dealings with other foreigners. Chances are if she’s interested in dating you she’s interested in foreigners in general and has met quite a few and has already learned quite a bit of English. These girls can be considered much more open and adaptable than the majority of Thai’s, but that doesn’t mean you’ll still need to occasionally push a bit to keep her communicating fully. Here’s a great response to my own thoughts on Thai girls marrying foreigners from theperspective of a Thai girl. Well worth reading in my opinion.

Those living in Thailand should have no problem meeting girls the same way you would in your own country. Simply starting a conversation when shopping, at work and even on the BTS or MRT can often lead to unexpected events. Remember to be always polite and you can get far simply by asking for help regarding unknown Thai words or pronunciation. Those living outside Thailand have it a bit harder, but thanks to the internet not as impossible as it was even 10 years ago. As you know I met Golf at Thai Love Links and highly recommend their service. While it seems there may be more scammers appearing on the site recently as far as I can tell most are Nigerian or some such which makes them pretty easy to filter out. Overall the site is still top notch though and I receive many emails from guys who have met their girlfriends or future wives there.

In the end, the truth of the matter is that trust in a relationship simply takes time. And remember that it’s not only trust on your part that needs to develop. The girl needs time and good reason to come to trust you. Chances are she’s dated and been burned in the past. Thai guys are notorious for this and foreigners can be just as good at disappearing, leaving the poor girl alone and wondering what happened or what she might have done wrong. Trust in a relationship with anyone is a two way street and Thai girls are no different. Just take it slow, get to know each other and keep the lines of communication wide open. When Golf and I were dating and I was back in the U.S. I called and talked to her daily, sometimes for hours. I honestly believe that this helped move our relationship forward much more quickly.

And if you have any doubts or questions please feel free to leave a comment here or email me directly. Golf and I are more than happy to help with any questions or concerns.

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I get a lot of questions here via email about Thai girls and dating. What is the proper way to approach a Thai girl, how can I tell if she’s a “good” girl vs a bar girl, how to avoid internet scams and that sort of thing. [...]

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Several weeks ago I wrote a post “What Do You Want to Know About Thailand” and I got some very good questions. I know I’ve gotten a bit sidetracked since then and I still have a few questions hanging out there so I want to finish answering those and if anyone else has any questions about Thailand or Thai culture please go back to that post and leave a comment or contact us with your question. I’ll be posting all of the answers here at Thailand Musings so don’t forget to subscribe so you won’t miss any of the great questions and answers.

Here is another question regarding Thai culture and the willingness of Thai women to meet and marry significantly older western men. I find this a particularly good subject because it is exactly the question that Golf asked me when we first met on ThaiLoveLinks. I think her question went something like “Why do so many old guys try to chat the young girl on here”. Needless to say I took this a bit personally and felt it necessary to explain. The rest is history.

Question about age differences: Let’s face the facts, I am a 55 year old guy talking with a 30 year old Thai woman. I am well aware that I could produce children. But I may not be still around past age 75, who knows? And I could have ten year old kids when I reach retirement age. I do not want to put a woman and kids at risk, and can certainly make provisions for their support after I am gone. I’d be interested in any success or failure stories you have encountered regarding this. Of course, here in the US, this degree of age difference in marriage is relatively rare, and perhaps even somewhat scandalous. Not that I am ungrateful, but why is a large age span seemingly so acceptable for many Thai women?

Stories regarding Thai women and western men meeting and dating or marrying are very common on the internet and will run the gamut from wildly successful to depressing failures. Do a Google search for Thai women + foreign men and you’ll find hours of reading material. For success stories go to the testimonials of ThaiLoveLinks (where Golf and I met) or simply read about Golf and I. The International Herald has a good story about this subject as well. For failure stories you’ll find plenty, but most of them involve Thai bar girls. By meeting a good Thai girl you can avoid a lot of the common pitfalls you find on the internet.

The reason a large age span is acceptable is often very personal to the girls and I hate to generalize, but if I have to do so then there are several commonly accepted reasons that Thai girls date and/or marry foreigners so much older than themselves.

First, many Thai girls are looking for stability, both financial and in the relationship, and older foreign men are typically able to provide both. They are in general financially well off, especially by Thai standards and this is viewed as a definite positive. They are also more settled and less prone to wander than their Thai counterparts. Add to that the western cultural ideal of monogamy and they become even more attractive to Thai women who are used to seeing Thai men that are promiscuous and prone to having mistresses.

Thai’s also value white skin very much and in fact those with darker skin are perceived to be of a lower class in Thai society. Typically children of Thai/western marriages tend to be much lighter skinned and thus more accepted in society. The Thai’s even have a name for such children of mixed parentage which is ‘Luk Kreung’ and literally means ‘child half”. You’ll find many famous Thai actors and models are luk kreung including pop singers Tata Young and Lanna Cumming.

One aspect that is often overlooked by westerners is that traditionally Thai marriages were often arranged by parents, not on the basis of love, but for mutual benefits between the families such as a property tie up or business merger. Westerners don’t understand this type of arranged marriage and often don’t consider this aspect of Thai culture yet it is very ingrained and accepted in Thailand. Because of this Thai women can sometimes view their bodies as property (Thai men view them this way as well which is a reason Thai women don’t care for Thai men) and as such have no problem using it to gain a better social or financial standing.

In the beginning the Thai girl may not even like her husband much, but over time a love and mutual respect grows. As the two get to know each other better an assimilation of each others culture begins to occur and the bonds between a Thai woman and her foreign husband can grow very strong. It’s good to understand these dynamics better, but I think we older western guys should just be thankful for our beautiful Thai ladies and not question too much. After all, it sure beats the alternative.

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Question: While I am not a paranoid person, I am reasonably cautious. It seems to me that the internet dating scene is fertile territory for the activities of scammers. I would vastly appreciate any words of wisdom in this regard.

I actually took most of this answer right from the Thai Love Links site because it is all very correct and appropriate. I added some of my own comments from experience and those relative to Thailand dating. I don’t think I could do a better job answering this question than they did, after all it is their business and they run sites worldwide.

Getting Started

Choose a website that allows you to remain anonymous to other users until you feel ready to provide your contact information.

Never include your personal contact information in your profile, especially telephone numbers, email, home address or your last name.

Only provide your contact info to another user when your instincts tell you this is someone you can trust.

Set up an email account just for online dating usage. This makes it easy to quarantine any unwanted mail.

Keep your passwords confidential and make sure they are not easy to guess.

Avoiding Problems

Ask a lot of questions when communicating and be alert for inconsistencies or requests for money. Make notes if you are suspicious of anything.

If you are suspicious of a person or if someone asks you for money, use common sense and then report the situation if possible to the online service you’re using.

It is not possible to be 100% sure that all members of internet dating services will be honest and truthful in their dealings with other members. Be alert and use common sense when communicating with other members.

NEVER send money to anyone who you met online, but have not yet met in person. (I can say that I broke this rule. Golf and I met online in November and I sent her a small amount of money in February, about 1 month before we met in person. She didn’t ask, I offered because her sister needed help.)

Before you Meet

Find out as much as possible about the person you are communicating with before you meet them in person. Communicate extensively using email, instant messaging or chat prior to calling the other person. Do not disclose your phone number or personal contact information until you feel comfortable to do so. (Golf and I spent literally hours on the phone daily for months before we met. We also spent time on MSN chatting and sent hundreds of text messages) For phone cards I recommend using Comfi. They have a good variety and very competitive prices.

Try to request multiple photos of the person you are communicating with. Ask to see photos of the person in a variety of situations at different times in their life. This helps to ‘paint a picture’ of the person and can be useful to understand more about that person. (Golf and I each had dozens of photos of each other long before we met. Not just recent photo’s, but photo’s from throughout our lives).

When you do decide to meet face to face, pick a public place and tell a friend where you’re going. Let them know when you return from the date. Naturally this is difficult if you will be in Thailand alone. It is still a good idea though. It is also wise to make the first meeting during the day, although Thailand is fairly safe when it comes to violent crime.

While Dating

Take your time to get the know the person. Proceed one step at a time and at your own pace. There is no need to rush.

If dating a person located in a foreign country be aware of cultural differences and take the time to learn the culture and understand the other persons expectations about the relationship. Spend as much time together as is possible getting to know the person, don’t just rely on email and instant messaging. (Since you’re here at Thailand Musings I assume you’re already doing that).

Investing additional time to get to know the person before things get serious will help you to avoid costly mistakes.

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