Thai culture expects men to pay a dowry (sin sot in Thai) or bride price prior to the marriage as a symbol of love, respect, appreciation and gratitude to the wife’s parents for raising and caring for her. It is a long standing tradition and is widely accepted in Thailand.

It seems that it developed from the fact that Thailand has no social benefits and children take care of their parents. Traditionally, sons will pay for the upkeep of the parents and the girls will do work for them (house and farm). So, when a daughter leaves her parents they are “compensated” with the dowry since the daughter will now “work” for her husband.

It is also a sign of readiness to support the future wife. In the West we are taught that love is separate from money, but in other cultures money may represent a symbol of love. I know that this is very different from the way that we think of money and love in the West. Part of this connection is due to the way that Thai people value generosity. Generosity is highly valued and it is often hard for Thai people to understand if someone does not want to show generosity.

Of course today many Thai parents are more modern thinking and the dowry is often more important as a visible sign to the community of how successful the new son-in-law is. The concept of “face” comes into play here. I can’t say that I understand this concept completely and will have to say that it is fundamentally about the perception other people have about us and ones importance relative to others.

It is acceptable to “negotiate” the dowry as well. Usually this will be done by a close friend or family member of the groom, however in the case of a foreigner marrying a Thai girl it would be done by the future bride. The amount of the dowry can vary widely and is usually dependent on how successful (and rich) the groom is (or perceived to be). Keep in mind too that many times the parents will return the dowry to the couple immediately after the wedding as a gift.

In my case, my in-laws gave back the gold in the dowry as a gift as well as much of the cash. They kept the money that was received from our guests as gifts to pay for the wedding ceremony. I thought this was extremely fair and generous, especially since it wasn’t expected. Of course each situation is different and while it is definitely more common these days for the return of the dowry as a gift it still isn’t an automatic.

I think the bottom line is if you love your Thai girlfriend then I wouldn’t worry too much about the dowry. If it is something you can afford then it is really no big deal. I mean really, how can you compare money to love? Money you can make more of it anytime, right? But for love…it is so elusive and difficult to find and keep. Ask yourself…can I live without this woman…then ask the same question about the dowry. I think that will put things into perspective.

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Has it ever crossed your mind that the idea of Thai brides for Westerners makes sense? If you have, you’re certainly not alone. Lots of guys over the previous several years have been concluding that the ladies in their native countries are not for them and they are deciding to look outside their homes for a new bride. And quite a few of them ultimately decide on Thai brides for their laid back personalities, sexy looks and awesome attention to their spouses. Certainly, a Thai bride can be a good choice for lots of you, but how do you go about locating a Thai woman willing to wed a Westerner?

I have thought of three courses to go about locating a Thai bride. There may be more, but I believe these 3 are the most common. Obviously it is your choice to decide which is the best compatible with your personality and circumstances.

Move to Thailand for A Few Months Up to a Year or More

This is the course that many fellows used in the past, prior to the internet and easy long distance communication became common. This is the most costly and obviously is not a method that is available to most as things like employment and families keep us tied to our home land. However, if you could somehow make the move to Thailand for six to twelve months this is a great way for locating Thai brides. Not only is it easy to meet the girls because you’re located in Thailand, you also get the added benefit of learning some of the language and culture which is a huge benefit in getting to know your Thai bride. Believe me when I let you know that Thai’s do not think the same as Westerners and gaining a knowledge of Thai culture will provide a great benefit to you, most notably in the 1st year of marriage.

Use a Marriage Agency to Locate Thai Brides

There are numerous marriage agencies who are in business to connect you with Thai ladies searching for foreigners as husbands. These agencies will typically set up meetings between you and the women and a few will even schedule parties where there will be numerous Thai girls together with a few foreign men. The purpose of course is to get to know each other in a safe place and decide if you want to get together again later more privately. The agencies can be quite expensive and the number of women may be somewhat limited, but this can make a good alternative if you don’t have a great deal of time free to spend in Thailand and you desire the expertise of a matchmaker.

Meet Your Thai Bride Online

Nowadays more and more men are going this route. It’s really cheap and simple to sign up with an online Thai dating website that it has become the method of choice for both Western fellows and Thai girls. The top Thai personals websites have 100’s of thousands of registered members and they make it so simple to communicate with the girls that you may be overwhelmed initially. When you think that all of the Thai women on the Thai dating sites are looking for foreigners, the low cost and the simplicity of communication I feel that hooking up with Thai girls online is probably the preferred course for the majority of guys.

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Photo by akeyser on Flickr
I book in at Bangkok airport, sat waiting for my flight home and engage in a conversation with an Englishman. He was happily married to a Thai and had been for some 10 years he lived in the North of Thailand. He was now returning to work in England. After much talk he offered up the following advice. [...]

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Photo by Chris Robinson on Flickr

We left Buddha and returned to her brother’s house. I had something to eat. The family began to gather round and look at me. Talking between themselves I have no idea what is being said. After a while she says to me whatever you do , do not hold my hand or try to kiss me in front of my father. I thought OK, I will wait for him to go. [...]

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Photo by Adrian Whelan on Flickr
Last September I went on holiday to Thailand. I arrived in Bangkok, booked into The Park Hotel for the night. Went to the Local travel agent at the end of the street told her I would like to see Thailand and I have three weeks to do it, what do you recommend. [...]

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Recently I received an email from one of my readers detailing his story of love found serendipitously in Thailand. He has kindly given me permission to post it, but I did edit to protect the names of the people involved at his request.

“I married her In November. I love her so much, the most beautiful person I have ever meet with a heart of gold. Did I meet her by chance or destiny? [...]

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I’m seeing a fad in Thailand for several decades. A craze of European and American men coming to Thailand and signing with dating agencies to find Thai brides. As American and European societies mutates and Western women become increasingly liberated and increasingly similar to blokes, conventional American and European guys are turning to Thailand to find a more conventional wife. Thai women are usually pretty, slim, take very good care of themselves and also take extremely good care of their spouses. They make dinner, they clean, they take care of the children and they make their guy feel as if he is a King. It’s no wonder American and European fellows desire a Thai bride.

For the girls, the men are perceived as a good catch. European and American guys, even less affluent ones, typically have more money than Thai men. American and European guys present a Thai woman a chance to leave Thailand and visit another country. American and European guys are viewed by some Thai women as being kinder than Thai men and Thai guys have a certain notoriety for not being monogamous. Lots of Thai blokes also don’t settle down after marriage, and keep a girlfriend even though they have a bride and kids at home. So for some Thai girls, an American or European guy afford things a Thai man does not.

As you might imagine, there will be some complications in marrying a Thai bride. Language differences, cultural dissimilarities and visa concerns come immediately to my mind when considering some of the issues that Thai-Western couples may come across. Overall though a Thai bride might be a great idea for many fellows that have become disillusioned with American and European ladies. If you begin the marriage with some planning and with discretion you have a great chance of having a outstanding marriage.

To the fellows who come to Thailand searching for love and a Thai bride, I say “Best of luck”. It can occur for you, especially in this day and age of web dating and personals. It certainly did happen for me and I couldn’t be happier. To the Thai women I say Get to know this bloke slowly. In any culture, there are good and evil. Look out for warning signs, and believe in your instincts. If you have questions, they are present for a reason. Remember that money isn’t everything.

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Question: Are there any distinct advantages to marrying in Thailand vs marriage in the USA?

This answer is only in reference to legal marriages which are carried out at the local Amphur’s in Thailand. This does not concern the traditional Thai wedding ceremony which you will also have back in your Thai fiancee’s hometown. The traditional Thai wedding is not legally recognized in Thailand or anywhere else.

Answer: Thai marriages are recognized as legal in the U.S. so there is not much difference between getting married in Thailand and getting married in the U.S. I can think of one advantage and two disadvantages to getting married in Thailand.

Advantage: If you end up getting divorced you’ll be going by Thai laws which require splitting of assets, but only those that have been gained since the marriage. Any assets you had prior to the marriage are not included. In addition, I have never heard nor read of any assets outside of Thailand being garnered. So, if you have your assets outside Thailand there is little chance they will be at risk if you get divorced.

Disadvantages: The process for getting married requires a bit of paperwork and probably about 2 days of running around Bangkok to get these documents, translations and approvals. I should probably write another post sometime detailing what is required for American citizens to get married in Thailand. The second disadvantage is if you want to get divorced you will have to return to Thailand to do so. Of course if you live in Thailand this isn’t a problem at all.

If any readers have additional insight to getting married in Thailand please let us know. I’d also like to hear if you can think of additional advantages/disadvantages to getting married in Thailand vs your home country.

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I would like to know more about what a Thai woman seeks in marriage abroad to a western husband. Do they have a realistic view of us, or do they subscribe to various fantasies about us?

Answer: I spoke with Golf about this and she told me that for her and her friends the expectations are completely normal. Of course Thai’s do believe that Americans are all rich and we are in terms of Thai earning potential. The only way to truly dispel this is once you get married and your new Thai wife comes to the U.S. Make sure she is involved in the finances and bill paying and she will begin to see that while we Americans make a lot of money it is also much more expensive to live in the U.S.

The thing that opened Golf’s eyes the most was after she started working and interacting with working class Americans (vs the typical well off Thailand tourist). She came back from work one day and commented “Americans aren’t all rich are they?” I replied that I had been trying to tell her that and she shook her head and said “yes”, but she hadn’t really understood before. Golf still gets surprised at the cost of some things here compared to Thailand.

That aside, Thai women know that Americans and Europeans are more faithful in relationships, less abusive and more generous as a whole than their Thai counterparts. So, they expect these things, but I believe that is the reality anyway. They also know that the standard of living in America and Europe is much higher than in Thailand. So, they are seeking a better standard of living and a husband that is faithful, generous and loving. Pretty realistic I’d say.

And then I received this back:

Sounds to me that Thai women just want a reasonable married life with an appreciative husband. Like you say, pretty realistic. If fidelity, kindness, and generosity are lacking in the average Thai man, then Thai women will find American men to be much more satisfactory in this regard. Add to that our improved living standard, our mandated gender equality, the broad scope of opportunities for work and for education, then I think that the western world is very likely a big step up for many Thai woman.

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Question: I assume it would be natural for Thai parents to have some legitimate concerns about a foreign guy marrying their daughter. Can you provide your insight about this?

Answer: I want to preface my answer by saying that Golf has read it and agrees with me.

The above dowry and family support answers also apply to your question regarding parent’s views of foreign husbands. Of course the parents are concerned for their daughters and the intentions and ability of the foreigner to take care of her. They also consider Europeans and Americans to be rich, which we are in terms of the typical Thai lifestyle. Of course they are rich in other ways in my opinion, but that’s another topic entirely.

I think once you meet the parents and they see that you and your Thai girlfriend love each other much of their concern will be gone. Add to that a little bit of generosity so they see that you can take care of their daughter and her kids and you’ll be fine.

My mother-in-law hovers over me and takes care of me like a mother hen when we visit. And this is even though she speaks no English and I speak very limited Thai.

I really don’t think that the parents are much of a concern in most cases although I have heard stories of parents telling their daughter she is not allowed to marry with someone (Thai or foreigner) and the daughter will follow their wishes. In many cases this is because the parents have already arranged a marriage for their daughter which is not something you need to worry about.

If you really want her parents on your side make your trip to Thailand for at least two weeks and spend several days of that time visiting her hometown and her parents/family. Bring small gifts for everyone and take care of restaurant bills etc. while there (no one likes a cheap son-in-law). This will go a long way in furthering your case in most parents eyes and will give you some face as well which is always good in Thailand.

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Question: My USAF friend who married a Thai woman once told me “when you marry a Thai, you wind up supporting all of her relatives back home”. What’s the reality?

Answer:

Golf and I still do that to send money to her parents and sister. When you are married to a Thai woman you are married to her whole family. Some take it farther than others including aunts, uncles, and cousins.

As far as Golf is concerned we help her parents and occasionally her sister. For her parents it is maybe 10,000-20,000 Bt every few months and about the same for her sister. Really though when you think about it her sister is in grad school so I don’t think it’s much difference than here. Although usually it is the parents helping the student here in the US.

The thing is that for Thai culture it is the daughter’s responsibility to care for her parents and to take care of their needs especially as they get older. Keep this in perspective though. Like I said we send maybe 10,000 a month total and as you know that is a monthly salary for a Thai woman in Bangkok.

In the provinces cost are about 50% of what they are in Bangkok so 10,000 Bt in the provinces of Thailand is enough to support a Thai couple easily. Certainly I don’t think it would support you or I, but let’s face it we’re spoiled :>)

What I’m trying to say is that it is good and expected that you help the family, but you have to understand what is enough and set some limits. I was lucky in that Golf pretty much set the limits and in fact it is money from her salary that she now sends for her family.

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Question: The concept of dowry in Thailand is really wild! I have read much groaning about this, however I am a realist. I don’t know if I like it or not, but I must smile and deal with it. But, how is the amount settled upon?

Answer:

Touching on the Thai dowry question…it is a bit of a sticky question and although it is a bit of an old fashioned concept (and not really Thai, but imported from the Chinese) it is still expected that some dowry (or sin sot as it is known in Thai) is paid.

A bit of historical perspective…the idea of sin sot came about because of the before mentioned cultural trait of daughters caring for the parents. In a traditional Thai family the daughter lives with her parents and works on their farm until she gets married. Remember that even today Thailand is about 80% agricultural based. When the daughter got married her future husband paid a sin sot to the parents to compensate them for the loss of a worker on their farm. Typically the money was used to hire cheap labor.

Today the dowry is used mostly as a way of showing how rich the husband is and how well he will be able to take care of his new bride. If you’ve read anything about the idea of “face” in Thai culture you’ll understand that the dowry today is a way for the family to gain face in the community.

That being said, again it is necessary to understand what is necessary and what is too much. Also understand that with the rise of a more middle class Thai culture many parents choose to give the dowry money back to their daughter after the wedding and in fact it is traditional for the parents to give the gold to the daughter (dowry is typically ½ cash and ½ gold).

The amount of dowry is usually negotiated with the family (usually the mother or grandmother) by the grooms’ best friend. Of course that won’t work in your case and the negotiations would be carried out by your Thai girlfriend with input from you of course.

In the provinces the typical dowry is between 50,000 and 100,000 Bt in a Thai-Thai wedding although I know some of Golf’s friends are in the 200,000-300,000 Bt range. Keep in mind that 50-100% of this money is going back to the couple after the wedding.

Also, during the Thai wedding ceremony all of the guests come up to congratulate the couple and they hand them an envelope with cash in it. In the case of our marriage I paid 200,000 for the dowry (1/2 cash ½ gold). We got all of the gold back after the wedding, but gave her parents the money from the guests’ envelopes (~100,000 Bt) and also the 100,000 in cash to help pay for the wedding costs.

Use your common sense and don’t pay more than you can afford and certainly not more than what a yearly salary would be for your new Thai family in the provinces of Thailand. Just my opinion.

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Hi everyone,
this is Golf and today is the first day that I have a chance to share my thought
and to be Steve’s guest. I have to think about what I want to write and post to this website for a while because I’m not a good writer and also English is not my native language, but after I start and then I can’t stop (laugh).

I’m a tall girl from north-west of Thailand, Tak is a province where I was born. It’s not usual that Thai girl will be as tall as me but I’m proud of my height because I got this gene from my dad so I’m happy about it. I was studying at my hometown almost 10 years and then moved to Bangkok for study nursing degree. 4 more years for studied nursing and also worked like a nurse 2 years in Bangkok either Public and private hospital. I spent my sigle life for almost 25 years until I met Steve from internet, the guy who changed my life and then we decided to marry after we talked for 4 months and got a chance to meet each other. Who knows on that time the guy from cyber-world will change my life and comes to be a part of my life right now. What do you call “destiny”?

It’s not that easy at all because we both live in different country like a half world away and have to find many ways for keep in touch, oversea phone call and internet are the best way to help both of us to stay alive on that time. I have to say that, because can you imagine that when you love someone so much but can’t live with together yet…

About 8 months later Steve flew to Thailand again after spent the money for 2 trips to Thailand already, so all together 3 times in one year. But this trip much better than the other 2 because we both will have wedding ceremony in my hometown and then I will fly back to the US with him. We have a wonderful wedding in Tak with so many guest…my parents, my friends and alot of people from my village…sometime in the future I will show you for our Thai wedding photos.

We’re live together in the US since then and we both know how much we love each other and don’t want anything to make both of us far apart again. This’s how I started to stay here in the beginning…and a lot of things that I miss but I choose to do it because I’ve just wanted to stay with the guy who I love so much…I hope everyone enjoy with my real life story…

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